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If alcohol were a girlfriend of mine, I would have ditched her long ago. She is just so needy. She makes me think that I need her with me in all situations to "enjoy" my life. The first weekend in October 2022 I got to go to my first bachelorette party where I chose not to consume alcohol. It was at a beautiful 9,000 square foot home on a lake in northern Minnesota. With 30 other women. 29 of whom drank alcohol. While these numbers don't matter, I share them simply to help set the scene. Originally in August when I set out to take a break from drinking, this was going to be my "end." I was just going to take a break until the bachelorette weekend. Between August and October, a lot of things started to change quite quickly for me. I started to have massive amounts of mental space and clarity and freedom in my thoughts.
And then came the time to get dressed and ready for the party. Time to drop the kids off with grandma and grandpa. And guess who showed up in my thoughts ? Yep, in all her glory and glittery neediness, my old friend alcohol. She began going on and on and on how awkward this is going to be without her and how I'm going to be judged and looked at and on and on she went. The familiar tightness in my chest came back and my thoughts quickly began siding with her: "oh yes, we made it! This is how far you wanted to come! You can have one with dinner! Have a margarita in the hot tub, this is a freaking celebration after all!" At this point all I knew was that I needed to get my kids with their grandparents and get this show on the road. No more thought spinning, no more entertaining my needy b*itch of a friend alcohol.
After I dropped the kids off, I dove deep into my podcasts on Sobriety. This is my mostly common go to tool for not drinking. I listened to Rachel Harts-Take a Break and The Sober Mom Life. I got gas and went to the liquor store. I thought I could buy a fun mocktail in a can or something like that so no one would notice. I was so overwhelmed with all the old needy "friends" I used to have that were there just sitting on the shelf awaiting my return. You may know them too: coors light, red wine, fun IPAs, the whole gang was there. I quickly looked for the NA beer and it was just not appealing to me, honestly nothing looked or sounded good. So I grabbed a bottle of Zing Zang Bloody Mary mix and went on my way. I had packed a jar of horseradish pickles thinking a NA Bloody sounded great! It was an incredibly beautiful fall day where the sun was shining, the autumn leaves were radiating orange, yellow and red, showing their beauty in contrast to the clear blue sky. I had the windows down and the breeze in my face made me feel alive. Everything seemed just so alive.
I got to the party and guess who talked to me about my drinking? And called me a loser for having a NA Bloody and having an adorable sparkling NA mimosa with a glitter rim and for drinking a ton of water? NO ONE, not one person noticed or seemed to care about what I was drinking. Huh, so once again that needy bitch made me feel like I needed her when I really didn't. I spent a good part of my late morning and early afternoon wrestling with her. Can you imagine if this was a real life friend?
We had an amazing dinner of grilled skewers, potatoes and salad, we all sat at one large table and said a cheers to the future bride to be, we sat in the hot tub, we played bingo and had a camp fire. I laid my head down on that pillow feeling proud. I woke up the next morning at 6:30am, filled my coffee cup and snuck out of the house before anyone was awake. I drove as the sun rose on another beautiful autumn morning and listened to another podcast {not on drinking}. And guess who was no where to be found? Guess who is starting to take the hint each time I don't allow her into my life, each time I deny her neediness and choose me instead? You got it, alcohol.